“Say What?!?”…3 Ways to Become a Better Listener

Today friends, we’re talking…wait just one second…

I’m sorry what was that? I couldn’t hear you over my distracted texting.

Ah yes, listening. We’re talking listening.

Really. Listening.

Have you ever spent time with someone who’s an amazing listener?  How did you feel afterwards-understood, validated, lighter even?

My Mr. and I are on staff at our church and with the job comes a myriad of various counseling opportunities. It’s truly one of my favorite aspects. I love diving deep into someone’s world in an effort to offer hope & solution.

What’s interesting is this: the majority of people we sit with are not looking for answers, but truly just looking to be heard.

Sometimes, in order to feel better, all we need is to simply get things outside of just ourselves.

It’s amazing the power that great listening holds.

In fact, I’ll go on record to say the vast majority of conflicts could be resolved or even avoided if we could really listen.

Hearing what’s being said vs. what we THINK is being said is truly a learned skill. Conflict and feeling misunderstood can make you feel so small. So today we want to help your No Small Life avoid as many heated “discussions” (*cough *cough arguments) as possible. Deep breath, I promise you’ll like “better listener you” so much more than “distracted defensive you.”

They will take effort. It may feel totally unnatural and go against all your first instincts.   BUT I promise, if you give these 3 tips a shot, they’ll make a difference in the depth, the length and the hurt your conflicts cause.

Ultimately, becoming a better listener will keep you from doing some serious relational damage.

 

Here’s 3 ways you can become a GREAT listener.

 

1. Focus on what is being said vs. how you feel about what is being said & formulating a reply.

Anytime you really lay down your emotions and focus on another person, it requires something from you: self-restraint.  There’s this little “justice trigger” that immediately likes to rear it’s head when we feel misunderstood.  And “justice trigger” likes to silence reason and empathy with a little quality called “being defensive.”

Defense: Great in the sports world, not so much in actual life.

Thankfully, in the heat of the moment, when ALL you want to do is “explain yourself,” there’s a little trick that the Bible clues us into.

James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak & slow to become angry (take offense AMP).”

Quick, Slow, Slow. Very ballroom dance like, don’t you think? So how about taking this Communication Dance for a little “spin” next time conflict arises? Really listen. Take a conscious pause before you speak and don’t allow yourself to be someone who is easily offended.

If we can apply quick-slow-slow. Nobody’s gonna put you in a corner…baby

…I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist. All the dance talk got to me. #shamless80smoviereference. (For more AWESOME 80’s references see last week’s post)

 

2. Listen with your body

I’m sure there is a .35% of the population that can listen, text, and scroll all at the same time.

You and I are probably not in that .35%. Value the one you’re with and give the actual human in front of you your attention. Uncross your arms,

“un-furrow” your brow (pointing to my own brow game on this one), make a little eye contact. And no worries, the new-must-fainting-goat-video will still be on YouTube tomorrow.

#youloveme

#itolovethoselittlepassedoutgoats

 

3. Focus on clarifying their points vs. defending the accusations

I have a fun little exercise for you. It’s something we do with our pre-marital couples.

(Side note: Chris and I are certified relationship coaches and work with couples are in the time. Interested in pre-marital counseling? Click here)

It’s simple and sometimes surprising. Here it is:

After you’ve listened and you think you’ve heard the other person out, in order to make sure you understood them clearly, repeat back to them what you heard.

No, not in a mocking sassy way.

More in a “what I hear you saying is_____. Is that right, did I understand you correctly?” Friends, sometimes what is being said vs. what we actually hear, are worlds apart. When we’re quick to defend ourselves instead of gain understanding about what’s being said, it only points to our own insecurities. And that’s painful for everyone involved.

 

Want more relationship posts? Click here

This little exercise will get you on the same page much quicker. And the next time the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the one being clarified, it feels SO validating to know you’re being understood.

Before we lean into our first instincts by jumping to conclusions and getting defensive, let’s take a moment to gain a little clarity.

It’s seems simple, but it’s not without its challenges is it?  This week, let’s commit to being better listeners.  Let’s focus on our body language, putting down our phones and keeping the emphasis on gaining understanding instead of being defensive.  All the while remembering Quick-Slow-Slow.

That “Communication 3-step” alone, could be a game-changer for us all, this girl included.

Until Next Time,

Meg

 

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